Roses, Violets, and Randomness!
by TheAlmightyFireHawk
Summary: FireHawk and Z take over Blood Gulch and drag the RvB gang on wild, crazy, and plain weird adventures. This has got to be the most insane story ever. Of all time. Lot of humor, action, and beating up on everyone. Collab with SupeyNinjaZora19.
1. Cats, Nekos, Potatoes, and Burritos

**At last...after the longest wait ever...of all time...IT'S HERE! I FINALLY got around to getting the first chapter of this randomness up! So yeah, it's a collab with SupeyNinjaZora19! Hope you all enjoy the first crazy (and really long) chapter! **

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It was a bright and sunny day in Blood Gulch, er, well, at least everyone thought it was day time. No one was really able to tell the difference between day and night, but none the less, it was bright and sunny. The Blues were doing their own thing while the Reds were doing their own. Nothing seemed strange, or at least stranger than usual.

That didn't last for long however. Soon, chaos had ensued within the Red Base where FireHawk had launched RAINBOW POTATO GRENADES all over the base. While Donut found the sight to be pretty, everyone else on the other hand didn't. Especially Grif...

"FIREHAWK! DAG NABBIT! Why'd ya have ta go an' leave all these potato-thingies all over the base?!"  
FireHawk floated up to the Red Team leader. Yes, FLOATED. She chirped, "Because I like blowing stuff up with potatoes and rainbows!"  
The only reason that Sarge had let the crazy girl stick around was because Grif was the main subject of her insanity, despite the fact the orange soldier was her favorite.

"Why do you always gotta beat me up?!" Grif cried as he hopped kicked a potato shaped grenade near Simmons, who ran away from it, "What did I ever do?!"

FireHawk laughed. "Nothing. You're just fun to torture." Of course, FireHawk had never said anything about her favoritism.  
Meanwhile, at the Blue Base, Z was having some fun of her own. With Caboose's approval and Sheila's help, Z was currently using both Tucker and Church as target practice while she shoot at them with the tank's main cannons.

Church yelled, "Quit that! I already died!"

"But Tucker hasn't!" Z shouted, stopping a moment to let the cannons reload.

"Yeah, but I don't wanna get killed by a stupid cannon!" Tucker replied loudly, ducking behind a rock and shoved Church out into the open, "Kill him! He's used to it!"

Church immediately ducked behind a different rock before starting to cuss at Tucker. Of course, he could barely be heard over the firing of the tank.

Instead, Church merely flicked Tucker off as another missile was fired.  
"Dangit," Z cursed as she clicked a few buttons, "I stink at using a tank..."

Church silently facepalmed and thought about why he ever let them stay at Blood Gulch. Then, as Grif came running by followed by FireHawk, who was armed with rainbow potato grenades, Church recalled that they had powers that let them do anything. Also referred to by FireHawk as SUPREMELY AWESOME MAJESTIC MAGICAL INSANE AUTHORESS POWERS!

Z saw them just as they ran by.  
"HEY FIREHAWK!" She greeted as they ran by before turning her attention back to the two idiots in blue.  
"HEEEEEEELP MEEEEE!" Grif cried as he ran away from the crazy psycho woman chasing him. Taking a small moment to think, the orange armored man realized that this was the most running that he had ever done.

FireHawk waved before throwing another potato grenade at poor Grif, who just wanted a day of peace WITHOUT being chased by a crazy insanity authoress. Sarge was just behind FireHawk, shooting at Grif and stating that "This is better than Grifball and shooting Grif with sniper rifles combined!"

Church popped his head up at the suggestion of sniper rifles, "Who has a sniper rifle?!" A missile that flew over his head startled him and he dropped to the floor.  
"GAH I MISSED AGAIN!" Church rolled his eyes. He didn't know if he was the worse shot between the two of them or not. Looking over at Grif, he saw that the orange soldier was on the floor and was being beaten. Even if he was a Red, he felt pity for the soldier.

FireHawk all of a sudden started complaining about missing her chance to bring down Grif herself. Church could've sworn that she was like a tiger that considered everything that moves prey. FireHawk shrugged it off and ducked into the Blue Base to find Caboose, the only soldier who wouldn't get beaten up or shot at by the crazy girls.

FireHawk finally found the regulation Blue colored soldier on his bed, humming a tune that sounded like it was from a cartoon while he colored the pictures in his coloring book.

She lay on the bed beside Caboose and asked him, "Whatcha doing?"

The young soldier smiled at her before he picked up his drawing and showed it to her. It was a childishly drawn picture of everyone in Blood Gulch, including the insane authoresses. The Reds were drawn slightly smaller than the others, and Grif was yellow instead of orange. Tucker was there in the back ground, far away from Church of course, but he was there none the less. Of course, Caboose was next to Church.  
"I drew a picture of all of us!" He grinned widely, "What do you think? Is it good?"

FireHawk grinned. "That's AWESOME! Hey, wanna go "help" Grif with us?"

Caboose's smile faded a little as he thought it over, but seeing FireHawk happy made him happy, and saying no would make her sad, and being sad wasn't nice and it wasn't a nice thing to make people sad-Caboose blinked a few times. His head was hurting now. He over used his thinker box. Caboose grinned again and picked up his helmet, putting it over his head.  
"I WANNA TO HELP! Helping's fun!"

FireHawk grinned even more. "Yay!" As they walked out, FireHawk said, "Isn't blowing up and helping Grif super fun?!"

Caboose nodded his head happily, "Yup! And sometimes, Church gives me a cookie when I hurt someone other than him! I get TWO cookies if I hurt a Red team!"

FireHawk smirked. "Then it's a win-win." When they emerged from the building, they learned that things had just gotten crazier. Z had given up trying to manually operate Sheila's turrets and had just let Sheila lock onto Church and Tucker. Sarge had taken to making Grif dance by shooting at his feet, Simmons was covered in snakes and panicking, and Donut was crowd surfing on unicorns.  
For FireHawk, it didn't really matter, as she believed that more insanity was better. However, Caboose saw Church being shot at by Sheila and went into panic mode.

"Oh no!" Caboose cried out in dismay and ran towards Sheila, the best tank ever and the nicest one too. When he got closer, he waved his arms around, "Sheeeeeilaa! Please don't shoot Church! Shoot Tucker! He doesn't give me cookies! He eats my cookies!"  
"What?!" Tucker gasped, "Church does and tells you to blame me!"  
Church glared at Tucker, "Shut up man! I don't wanna get killed again!"  
"You're used to dying!"  
"No I'm not! It's still painful!"  
"Yet you're an AI pain resistant thing-Shut up man!"  
"Sheila," Caboose started again, distracted by Church's and Tucker's bickering, "Stop it please!"

FireHawk watched the scene in amusement while deciding whether she should help Sarge, help Grif, help Caboose, or help Z. She quickly reached the decision that she wouldn't team up. Instead, she would create chaos amongst everyone else. But hadn't the insane girl done that already? The answer: NO. This was just mere playtime.  
Summoning up some of her power, FireHawk brought in pi-ahem, lightish red clouds to block out the sun. She concentrated the power to make it rain cupcakes, cookies, and tigers. Because, why the heck not mix tasty pastries with predators that may or may not eat people?

When a cookie hit Caboose's head, possibly knocking out a few already loose screws, he gasped at the sight and ripped off his helmet before stuffing the food into his mouth.  
Sarge right away befriended a tiger and named it Throat-Slicer, possibly the best name that he had ever come up with, and he had it attack Grif. He laughed loudly as the orange soldier screamed in pain and tried to roll away. Obviously, he was dead meat!

FireHawk watched the chaos while happily eating a cupcake that had fallen from her pastry-tiger storm. Turning to where Sarge, Grif, and Throat-Slicer were, FireHawk began to wonder whether to help Grif or not. She eventually decided that one time wouldn't hurt, so FireHawk used some more of her power to teleport Grif out of the tiger's way. Then, FireHawk gave them both super speed and watched as chaos began again.

Grif was confused for a moment as to what FireHawk had done, but when the tiger came to tackle him, he ducked to the side quickly and started to run away at super quick speeds. "HAHAHA! Stupid tiger!" His laugher died down when he realized that the tiger also had the ability to run fast and he cursed, "DANGIT!"

FireHawk started laughing uncontrollably, causing the storm to falter, changing from pastries and tigers to man eating sharks and pie. Lightning flashed in the shape of a pony and the thunder sounded like a ton of bats, just to scare Grif.

"BAAAAAATS!" Grif screamed and ducked to the floor, looking around wildly for any sign of a bat hovering over his head.

As Grif was cowering on the floor, the tiger took its opportunity to pounce, and FireHawk continued to laugh at the craziness. Grif let out a cry of shock and pain as Throat-Slicer pounced on him, unsheathing its steel strong claws and opening its wide sharp mouth.

Sarge laughed in the meantime, and turned to look in FireHawk's direction, who sent him a thumbs up. She then proceeded to make it rain bats.

"GET OFFA MEE!" Grif screamed and managed to somehow knock the tiger off and ran away. He turned around to see the tiger chasing him and turned back around just to get a face full of bat. The orange soldier screamed and dropped to the floor, trying to peel it off, "NOOOOOOO!"

FireHawk started laughing and almost felt bad for the orange soldier. Almost. But not really. Sarge was aiming his shotgun at Grif, hoping to shoot him in the head.

Meanwhile, Sheila continued to fire at Church and Tucker, who were ducking behind rocks, switching to a new one every time the previous was destroyed. Except for Tucker's rock. Because nobody wants to be within ten feet of that. Except for Tucker.

"SHEILA, STOP THAT!" Church screamed, peeking over Tucker's rock, hoping that the crazy tank lady would stop. Or maybe he would let her continue and blow up this rock. Then, he could use Tucker as a diversion and escape into the safety of the Blue Base while the annoying soldier got killed. Sadly, Sheila merely just fired her cannons again and nearly blew Church's head off. He sighed. Why did he just have to take off friendly fire?!

All of a sudden, Sheila stopped firing at the two blue soldiers. Well, stopped firing EXPLOSIVES that is. Thanks to FireHawk's crazy powers, the tank now was firing rainbow kittens with carrots for tails.

Tucker frowned and peeked over the top of the rock, "Why did she-WHAT THE F-ARE THOSE CATS?! With... Carrots?" One of them flew at Tucker and he caught it, holding it by the scruff of its neck to examine it. It's rainbow colored fur was sparkling and it's eyes were hypnotizing to look into, "What the..."  
Donut skipped out of his base with newly polished armor and gasped at the sight of the colorful kittens, "OH MY GOD! RAINBOW CATS!"

FireHawk laughed from the top of the blue base. "I know! It's hilarious!" Grif, Throat-Slicer, and Sarge all ended up staring at the rainbow cats wide eyed. Throat-Slicer immediately decided they were food and started to maul one of the baby rainbow kittens to death.

"Hey!" Sarge frowned, "I told ya' ta' attack Grif, not da' rainbow colored cat!"

Throat-Slicer looked up, the bloody and beaten body of the rainbow kitten hanging from his mouth. The tiger dropped the corpse and happily trotted over and grabbed Grif, then shook the orange soldier like a rag doll.

"YOU LITTLE SON OF A-!" Grif screamed and punched the tiger with his armored fist. He was thankful for super strong armor, but it was still frightening to be attacked by a tiger.

Throat-Slicer growled in rage and backed off of Grif, recovering from the blow. Grif then got up, flicking off the tiger before he took off again, using his super speed to get away.

Just at that moment, Agent Washington strolled into the canyon, carrying as many rainbow colored cats that he was able to in his arms.

By now, Throat-Slicer had recovered from Grif's punch and now ran after the orange soldier. As the tiger took off, FireHawk looked back in Wash's direction and asked, "Uh, was it a bad idea to make Sheila shoot cats instead of dogs?"

"No way!" Wash grinned under his helmet and pet a cat's head, "This is the best thing that ever happened! Of all time! I had a dream about this before, but this is even better!"

FireHawk stared at Wash before saying, "Okay, then. You might want to have a funeral for that one." FireHawk pointed to the kitten that Throat-Slicer had mauled to death.

Wash's smile faded and he ran to the cat, "No... No... NOOO!" He dropped the cats and punched the ground, "NOOO! WHO WOULD HURT A RAINBOW KITTY?!"

FireHawk leapt down from the Blue Base roof and summoned flaming wings to help her glide down to Wash. The wings disappeared as she hit the ground and FireHawk replied, "A tiger would. Because tigers are just bloodthirsty at times. This one kinda wanted to kill something other than Grif."  
As soon as FireHawk said that last sentence, Grif ran by with Throat-Slicer chasing him.

Wash said, startled, "Where did the... You know, ever since I met the Reds and Blues, I learned to stop questioning everything, but when I met you two... Well, everything stopped making sense..."

FireHawk smiled and patted Wash on the back. "You definitely learn fast. Most of the characters I visit are STILL shocked to see rainbows and potatoes all over the place. And I've known them for years!"

"Yeah," Washington sighed and picked up a rainbow kitty, "I've grown used to it, especially with sharing a base with Caboose..." He shakes his head and grins, "But, I have to say, things surely are much more interesting with rainbows being flung all over the place..."

FireHawk nodded. "Yup, and more random, which is more fun! Now if you excuse me, I have to go Grif fishing."  
Washington tilted his head in confusion. "Grif fishing?"  
FireHawk said, "Yeah!" before pulling out a fishing rod with an Oreo attached to it as bait.

Wash laughed, "Okay, now that makes much more sense... Now then, I'll let you go do that while I go get this little guy a nice snack!" Washington hops away with a cat.  
The smell of an Oreo reached Grif's nose and he stopped, sniffing the air before seeing the Oreo on the fishing rod, "Is that an... AN OREO!"

FireHawk was sitting up on a cliff, hanging the Oreo down below using a LOT of fishing line. She smirked as Grif started towards the Oreo, with Throat-Slicer right behind him. Apparently, the orange soldier had forgotten about the tiger in pursuit of the cookie. FireHawk decided to snack on some of the spare bait she was using.

FireHawk lowered the Oreo just out of Grif's reach. She watched in amusement as Grif tried to jump for it, and failing.

Grif accidentally slipped and face planted onto the hard ground. The tiger came and sat on him, pinning him down while the orange soldier struggled to get up.

FireHawk burst out laughing so hard that she fell off the cliff. Luckily, she used her powers to catch herself and floated onto the ground. Sarge came over, pulled out a camera, and took an infinite number of pictures. Some of them included FireHawk's photo bombs.

Grif flicked the two of them off before he winced at the weight, "Arghhhh, you all suuuuuuck...! Especially you, you fat feline!"

Throat-Slicer growled at Grif, while FireHawk placed an Oreo just out of Grif's reach. Grif tried to reach it, but the tiger slams its paw on his arm, stopping him from getting the cookie.

FireHawk laughed and started photobombing Sarge again. Although the red team leader was becoming quite annoyed with her constant photobombs, he was forced to put up with it because the crazy girl was unstoppable thanks to those powers. And, while Sarge knew that it was a bad thing to let people push you around, he had no choice. The girl could just easily use her witchcraft or alchemy or whatever powerful force she controlled and just throw him to the side. So with a sigh, he just continued to take embarrassing pictures of Grif with FireHawk in the background.

FireHawk eventually decided to follow Wash to see what he was doing with the rainbow cats. She took off in Wash's direction, leaving Sarge to take pictures and Grif to suffer.

FireHawk finally found the ex-Freelancer surrounded by a large group of rainbow kitties. Actually, it was hard for her to find him under the mass of rainbow fluff, but when she did, she noticed the wide grin on his face while he fed several of the cats with some kitty snacks he had found. She asked, "Where did you even get kitty snacks?"

Wash smirked and fed another cat, "A Freelancer has to be prepared for any situation."

FireHawk tilted her head. "Like cat feeding?"

The ex-Freelancer grinned and ran an ungloved hand through one of the cat's fur, "Like cat feeding! Exactly! The others told me it wouldn't come in handy, but it did!"

FireHawk said slowly, "Okaaayyy..." She paused, then asked, "Should I turn Grif into a neko?"

Washington shuddered, "That may not be a good idea...we don't need another cat-like creature to get killed today..."

FireHawk replied, "It's GRIF. Nobody likes him."

"But it's still a cat-like creature!" Wash frowned and picked up another cat, "Even if Grif's a neko, don't hurt him. Maybe if you turn him into a half dog half human hybrid, possibly then I may consider you tormenting him as being fine..."

FireHawk thought for a moment. "I won't hurt him, but no guarantees from Sarge or Throat-Slicer."

Washington gave FireHawk a bewildered look, "Seriously? You promise not to hurt Neko-Grif?"

FireHawk nodded. "Of course! But I'll still humiliate him! And again, no promises from Sarge or Throat-Slicer."

Wash thought for a moment before he sighed, "Okay, do whatever you want, j-just no killing! And with Sarge and- Throat-Slicer? Who would name a pet that?" He shook his head and yelped when a cat leaped onto his head, "A-anyways... Just do whatever you want. No killing, but go crazy... Not too crazy, though...!"

FireHawk said, "Are you sure? Neither Sarge nor Throat-Slicer would hesitate to eat or shoot Grif in the head."

Wash chuckled dryly, "I know Sarge; nothing can ever stop that crazy man..."

Screaming was heard outside and FireHawk added, "And Throat-Slicer has officially been taught that Grif=food."

"Cats learn things pretty quickly," Wash laughed nervously and held onto the cat in his arms a bit more firmly, "And I'm going to assume that Grif will most likely be killed by that tiger..."

FireHawk said, "Yeah, so Grif the neko not a good idea?"

"Not really," The ex-Freelancer shook his head, "Unless you want another dead body to clean up, I highly suggest that you don't turn him into a Neko."

FireHawk shrugged. "I don't really mind dead bodies all over the place, besides, it would be interesting. And you can obviously tell that my mind is still debating with itself."

"I can tell, and we both know which side is going to win, right?" Wash smirked, raising an eyebrow and fed another cat a snack.

FireHawk nodded. "Yup." She snapped her fingers and walked back outside. Nothing had changed, except for the fact that Grif now had orange cat ears and a matching tail.

Grif, after successfully escaping the tiger, froze and looked at his tail in complete horror.  
"Wait a second... Orange cat tail... Adorable kitten ears on my head... The sudden urge to play with a ball of yarn-FIREHAAAAWK! D-did you turn me into a NEKO?!" Grif screamed, panicking as he approached the crazy authoress.

FireHawk shrugged and grinned happily. "Z did it!"

Z, on top of Blue base, over heard and shouted, "NO I DIDN'T! I would've turned him into something gross, not into a NEKO!"

FireHawk responded, "But it's not my fault! And I have to blame SOMEONE!"

"Why me?!" Z questioned loudly, making her voice echo throughout the canyon.

FireHawk chuckled. "Because you're the only one actually CAPABLE of doing it besides me!" The tiger chuffed in disgust at Grif and sat on him. Grif yelped as the tiger sat on him.

"What?!" Z frowned, "I wouldn't do it!"

FireHawk crossed her arms. "Well, there's no one else to blame other than myself, and I won't blame myself for something I didn't do."

Z crossed her arms also, "And I certainly won't blame myself either..."

FireHawk shrugged. "Well, since no one is to blame, let's just say it happened because of our mere presence."

Z's eyes darted to the side, obviously confused, "... Okay..."

With that matter settled, FireHawk teleported Throat-Slicer off of Grif and picked the orange soldier up by the collar. She then proceeded to drag him to Wash and dumped the neko on his lap.

Wash yelped with shock at first before he realized that what was on him was a Neko. His eyes widened and sparkled as he raised a hand to pet Grif the Neko. "Oh my... Grif, you're part cat...!"

Grif's ears lay flat on his head and he hissed at Wash as FireHawk started laughing uncontrollably.

Wash quickly rubbed Grif behind the ears in a soothing manner, humming a little song to calm the neko down.

Grif stopped hissing and started to purr while FireHawk filmed the entire thing on video camera, just for blackmail. Of course, the two didn't notice that as Wash continued to pet Grif the Neko.

Grif rolled onto his back as Washington continued to pet him. For some reason, Sheila had started to fire baked potatoes, causing the base to start flooding with them. FireHawk stopped filming and asked Wash, "Are baked potatoes good for cats?"

Wash shrugged, "I don't know..."

FireHawk pointed to the rainbow kitties eating the baked potatoes with glee. FireHawk buttered the potatoes with her powers, and the cats enjoyed it even more.

Washington squealed at the cuteness and took out his camera to capture the moment. FireHawk jumped back a little at Wash's fanboyness.

Meanwhile, Church yelled, "GET THAT TANK TO STOP FIRING POTATOES!"

Tucker simply shrugged and munched on a potato, "I dunno man, these are pretty good! Could use a bit more butter, but still."

All of a sudden, the potato DID become buttered, thanks to FireHawk's powers. But it's not like Church noticed. He was too busy trying to avoid being hit by a potato rapidly fired from the gun of a tank.

"Dangit-Hey, Sheila!" Church shouted as the tank lowered her main cannon to reload, "Can you cut that out?!"  
Caboose was sitting on a rock near Sheila, eating a potato messily and looked to his favorite tank woman, "Sheila, I think Church wants some more potatoes...!"

Sheila turned to Caboose and said, "Okay. Then I will give Church more potatoes." She continued to fire potatoes at Church through her gun, completely ignoring what Church had said.

One of the potatoes hit Church in the head and in the crotch, sending him tumbling to the ground, whimpering in pain.  
"GOOOOOAAAAAAAAAL!" Z shouted, jumping up and down while holding a camera, happy to have recorded this moment for all to see, "THIS IS TOTALLY GOING ON BASEBOOK!"

FireHawk came out of the base, dragging a sleeping neko Grif with her. "What did you see?!" she asked excitedly.

Z hopped down from the base, grinning, "Church got hit in the crotch with a potato at super speed!" She then handed FireHawk the camera to watch the film of Blue team's leader getting hit with the potato.

FireHawk looked at it and dropped Grif, yelling, "AWESOME! THIS IS SO GOING ON BASEBOOK!"

Suddenly, a gun shot went off and they turned to see Church holding the sniper rifle, "DANGIT I MISSED-HEY! Delete that, or else I'll really aim for your guys' heads!"

FireHawk immediately jammed up the sniper rifle with her powers. "I promised Wash that Grif wouldn't get hurt if I turned him into a neko!"

"Awww, you promised to protect Grif!" Z squealed, "I find it a bit ironic that you vowed to protect someone you like beating up..."

"I think that it's ironic that we're all made out of iron!" Caboose hollered from across the canyon before he continued to eat his potato.

"What?" Church shook his head before he drew out his pistol, "Whatever-Now then, why?! And I said that I'll aim for your heads if you don't delete it, so delete it, or else I'll shoot..."

FireHawk clogged up Church's pistol with bubble gum before turning back to Z. "I just wanted to convince Wash to promote my decision to turn him into a neko. I'm not soft like that." Her voice trailed off. "Well, not all the time..."

Church looked at his pistol in confusion, "What the... Gum?!"

Z chuckled a little, pocketing the camera, "Oh, I know THAT...!" She smirked, patting FireHawk's shoulder before walking back to Blue Base, "I know you're a bit of a softie... Sometimes..."

FireHawk snorted before replacing the gum in Church's pistol with a potato. Church growled in annoyance and threw his pistol to the ground, "Alright, what's the deal with the potatoes?!"

FireHawk smiled. "Potatoes are fun and delicious!"

Church growled again before he stopped, realizing just how much he sounded like Maine, "No, I mean-WHY POTATOES EVERYWHERE?!"

"How are they fun?!" Church screeched, still feeling a bit of pain from getting hit in the crotch with the potato.  
Tucker called out, "They're actually pretty good man! Try one!"  
"What?! NO! I'm not gonna eat one!"  
"More for me then..." The teal soldier shrugged before he munched on his fifth potato.

"See? What'd I tell you?" FireHawk said.

"What? Tucker's opinion doesn't matter!" Church protested.

"You've got that wrong. GRIF'S opinion doesn't matter."

"THANKS FIREHAWK!" Tucker shouted from where he was sitting near a pile of potatoes.

"SHUT UP TUCKER!" Church growled before turning to FireHawk, "Okay, that's true, Grif's opinion doesn't matter, but neither does Tucker's...!"

"Dude, I don't care. Whoever's opinion I want to matter, DOES matter. So shut your mouth or I'll turn you into a full on cat and give you to Wash."

Church backed away immediately, holding his hands up in an 'I surrender' position, "Alright alright! I'll shut up!"

FireHawk smirked in triumph. "Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a Grif-neko to humiliate."

Church nodded his head and walked away quickly, muttering something about eating some potatoes and killing Tucker.

FireHawk flew up onto the roof of the Blue Base to scan the canyon for Grif. When she spotted him, she found the orange Neko sleeping under the shade, surrounded by potatoes small and large.

Smirking, FireHawk started to creep up on him like a puma. When she approached him, FireHawk pulled out a black permanent marker and started drawing many designs on his face. She wrote an L on his forehead and "Property of FireHawk" along his chest. FireHawk proceeded to draw in a mustache and placed target marks on his face, labeling them "Shoot me here".

She accidently brushed one of Grif's eyelids with her hand and he woke up. He rolled on his side and looked at FireHawk with wide eyes before he sat up, startled. "W-what?! God, you creep! Watching people sleep!"

FireHawk immediately turned herself invisible, hoping Grif wouldn't realize she was there.

Grif looked around with wide eyes, not trusting his surroundings, especially when he knew that crazy authoress people were around.

Behind her invisibility, FireHawk snapped her fingers and Grif fell back asleep so that she could continue her artwork.

She grinned evilly as she pulled out a new PAC of colorful permanent markers.

Snickering, FireHawk drew a goatee and put red triangles under his eyes.

Grif just sighed happily in his sleep, mumbling about burritos and going ice skating before he rolled over.

FireHawk decided that burritos and ice skating would be a great idea for the insanity she planned to reign upon Blood Gulch. After finishing the last drawing, she snapped her fingers and Grif was laying on a frozen lake, surrounded by ice skating burritos.

Grif rolled over and woke up due to the sudden cold and due to the smell of warm burrito meat. He yawned and looked around with a confused expression on his face.

FireHawk was sitting at the edge of the ice, preparing some snowballs to throw at Grif when he wakes up.

Grif got up to his feet and tried to take a step forwards, but his foot skipped and he face planted on the floor, getting his tongue stuck on the ice for a moment before he got it free.

FireHawk threw the first snowball at Grif and quickly rearmed herself with another.

"OW!" Grif cried out, rubbing his head with his hand and he turned around, "FireHawk?! Why did you do that?!"

FireHawk laughed and said, "Because it's fun!"

Grif glared at her before he got up to his feet once more, "No, no it isn't! That's abusive!"

FireHawk argued, "It's not abusive! Cause it's funny!" Then, she threw another snowball at him.

Grif yelped and ducked, dodging it quickly, "It's only funny when you're the one NOT getting abused!"

FireHawk ignored him and threw another snowball, which landed in the one weak place that REALLY hurts.

Grif let out a cry of pain before he fell to his knees, covering that weak spot with his hands, whispering something about the pain and the cold making it worse.

FireHawk just laughed, then looked around to make sure Wash wasn't there. When she was sure that he wasn't, FireHawk turned Grif back to normal so that he wasn't a neko anymore.

Grif sighed in relief, happy that his sensitive cat ears were gone and that his weird, long tail was too. He hated it when he stepped on it by accident...

However, unbeknownst to Grif, FireHawk was only doing it so Wash wouldn't get mad. She would turn him back into a neko later. FireHawk threw two more snowballs, which hit Grif's face.

Grif yelped again and wiped it off quickly. He then thought for a moment before he stuffed it in his mouth, munching on the snow for a minute before it disappeared.

FireHawk threw a couple more snowballs before starting to mash up as much snow as she could find into a giant snowball.

Grif took notice and tried to run away, but he slipped and fell once again, "Shoot!"

By now, FireHawk had made a snowball as tall as the seat of a chair. Deciding it wasn't big enough, she continued to pack it with snow.

Grif tried to get up to his feet one more time, but when he realized that he couldn't walk away from the impending doom, he flipped onto his stomach and started rolling away.

FireHawk saw this and forced a burrito to collide into Grif. She finished her snowball, which was the size of a large table, and threw it on top of Grif.

Grif let out a scream before it crashed into him, flattening him like a pancake and stopping him from rolling any further.

FireHawk laughed and went back to the bases, which really weren't far off. Sheila was still firing potatoes, Wash was still petting rainbow cats, Simmons was running from Throat-Slicer, and Z was doing Z things.

Turning around, she saw Caboose in a tree, coloring again and eating more potatoes while she saw Tucker hop behind his rock.

FireHawk smiled to herself and teleported down to the roof of the Blue Base while thinking of how she could add to the chaos. Suddenly, she snapped her fingers, waited a few minutes, then turned to everyone else. "So," she said, "Who's got a zombie plan?"

"WUAAARRGH!"

* * *

**This has got to be my longest chapter ever. Of all time. **

**~TheAlmightyFireHawk**


	2. Zombies, Beaches, a Night Fury, & a Neko

**Yup! Update again! Sorry if everything seems out of order and stuff. That's how it was in our PM, and I'm too lazy to reorganize. Totally a slacker. XDXDXD**

* * *

Wash hugged his cats close to his chest as he stood up, taking out his gun and using it to scan his surroundings, "Did you just summon ZOMBIES?!"

FireHawk shouted, "No!" before running off to grab a gun.

Wash muttered some words under his breath and he fired his gun once he saw one, "YOU DID!"

"OH MY GOD!" Tucker screamed, hopping out from behind his rock again and placed his helmet back on his head, looking flustered, and shouted, "WHAT THE HECK-ZOMBIE?!"

FireHawk ran out with a sniper rifle in her hands. "Yeah! Now let's blast their brains out! If, y'know, they have any brains."

Wash sighed heavily as he shot a zombie that was getting hugged by Caboose, "Seriously, just... Why?!"

"YEAH, WHY?!" Tucker shouted, grabbing his sword and slicing a zombie's head off, sticking his tongue out at the large amount of oddly colored blood that poured out from the headless monster.

FireHawk took down five more zombies. "Why what?"

"Why ZOMBIES?!" Both Tucker and Wash screamed at the same moment. The two soldiers exchanged tilts of their heads before they were forced to duck to the side when a zombie the size of the Meta came charging at the two of them.

FireHawk yelled, "They came out of nowhere!" She shot the large zombie in the head and tried to deal with the rest of the horde.

"Caboose!" Tucker called out, "Caboose, these guys want some help! So, go and help them and stuff...!"

"Okay!" Caboose smiled and charged at three zombies, tackling them and then breaking their backs and accidentally breaking their heads on the rocks when he tossed them up into the air, stating that he would catch them, "Whoops..."

FireHawk laughed a bit before shooting more zombies. Then, realizing she was out of ammo, she threw the sniper rifle aside and ran into the base to grab another weapon.

"Ew," Tucker muttered and kicked the zombie, "Gross, Caboose..."

"Not my fault!" The regulation blue soldier started and tackled five more zombies at once, "Tucker did it..."

"It doesn't work if I'M RIGHT HERE!"

"... Tucker still did it..."

"You're right, I do a lot of stuff, like your mom-Bow chika bow wow!" The teal soldier laughed before he cut more zombies.

FireHawk came back out with a random AK-47 that she picked up and started rapid firing at the nearest zombie.

The three Blue soldiers stared as many of the zombies got blown into small pieces.

FireHawk eventually ran out of ammo on that, but luckily, she brought extras and reloaded the clip.

Meanwhile, Grif was still stuck under the remnants of a giant snowball.

Z floated around Grif, kicking the snowball with her foot with interest and laughed at the orange soldier, "HAHAHA! OH GOD!" She then took out the camera and started taking snapshots of Grif, "Totally going on BaseBook..."

Grif silently begged for someone to help him, or get the crazy authoress away.

"I can read minds," Z smirked, "And trust me, no one will help you..." She suddenly blinked, "Wow, that sounded a lot less cold blooded in my mind..."

Grif shivered, only partly from the cold. All of a sudden, FireHawk teleported in out of nowhere. "Guys! It's a zombie invasion! We need reinforcements!"

Grif gasped, "Zombies?! I knew it..." He then sighed heavily and banged his head on the floor, "So much for going to Alaska..."

Z saluted FireHawk with a grin, "Yes ma'am FireHawk!" She then grabbed a plasma rifle and charged onto the battle field.

FireHawk pulled Grif to his feet forcefully. "That means you too, Lemonhead." With a rough shove toward the bases, FireHawk shouted, "Get moving!"

Grif groaned as he took clumsy steps forward, feeling as if he was walking on pins and needles, "Really? Do I HAVE to?"

FireHawk replied, "Yes. You do. Or no Oreos."

Grif perked up at this, "Oreos? I get Oreos for killing zombies?"

FireHawk nodded. "Yup. A pack for every zombie you kill." She then tossed him a Grif Shot, Brute Shot, Knifle, whatever the heck you want to call it.

The orange soldier gave FireHawk a salute and charged onto the battlefield, slicing zombies and shooting them with a loud battle cry. He didn't care if he nearly shot Tucker or Wash or Caboose; he just wanted those Oreos.

FireHawk watched in amusement at the chaos she had caused. While counting the zombies Grif killed, she added a pack of Oreos to the pile beside her. She sighed, knowing she was giving up at least eighty percent of her Oreo stash.

"WATCH IT MAN!" Tucker glared at Grif and touched the large incision on his chest plate.

Wash glanced over before he was knocked to the floor by the orange soldier, who took the ex-Freelancer's kill, or whatever term was used to killing the undead, "Watch it, soldier!"

FireHawk smirked and placed a few more boxes of Oreos into the pile.

Grif simply stepped on both Wash and Tucker, ignoring the rush of venomous curses that came out of the Blues' mouths and the screams of anger. He just continued to fire his weapon and attack the zombies until there were very few left. Caboose was hugging three of them happily, hugging them like they were stuffed toys. Grif rolled his eyes before he positioned the Grif-Shot at Caboose and took aim.

FireHawk now had a stack of Oreos next to her that was taller than herself.

Grif then fired his weapon at Caboose, making the blue soldier to flying and land on the ground harshly, smacking his head on the concrete with a loud SMACK! Caboose let out a small wail before he sat up, sniffling a little and rubbing the back of his head. Wash and Tucker winced before they turned to see Grif slicing the zombies.

FireHawk stopped counting Oreos and ran down to help Caboose. She sat by him and asked if he was okay.

"Y-yeah..." He takes off his helmet, revealing his face, and wiped away a tear and touched the back of his head gingerly, "It just hurts... A lot..."

FireHawk used her powers to remove the pain out of his head. She then went back to counting the Oreos she would have to give Grif.

Caboose said, grinning, "Thank you, FireBird!"

While that all had happened, Grif had killed a mountain high of zombies and was, at the moment, fighting another zombie the size of the Meta.

FireHawk's pile of Oreos were about as tall as the mountain of zombies. She considered the possibility that she would run out, so she snuck one box and made it disappear.

Finally, nearly all of the zombies were gone. FireHawk counted up the last few zombies and, knowing they'd be dead, she stacked up the same amount of Oreo packages as zombies.

And soon, they were dead, leaving just the Blues and the single Red surrounded by the lifeless bodies. Grif dashed -literally, DASHED- over to FireHawk and looked at her with wide, begging eyes.

"Okay, they're dead!"

FireHawk nodded with approval and inwardly smirked at Grif's adorableness. "Okay, here they are!" She gestured to the pile of Oreos beside her, bigger than the mountain of zombie corpses.

Grif fell to his knees, allowing several tears to leak out from his eyes as he stared at the wonderful sight before him, "Oh, praise FireHawk..."

FireHawk patted him on the head and added a rainbow right above the Oreos for even more majestic gloriousness.

Grif started crying when he saw the rainbow before he looked to FireHawk, waiting for her to give him the okay.

FireHawk nodded her head with tears in her eyes, for even FireHawk's breath was taken away by her own majesticalness. After Grif launched himself at the Oreos, FireHawk passed out from the SHEER AWESOMENESS!

Z hovered over FireHawk, confused at everything and tapped FireHawk with her shoe, "Ummmmm... Did she just pass out?"

"Yup," Tucker muttered, wiping blood off of his armor before the tower caught his attention, "Dang, LOOK AT THAT TOWER OF OREOS!"

FireHawk immediately sprung up in Tucker's face. "THE SUPREMELY AWESOME MAJESTICAL AMAZINGLY MAGICAL OREOS BELONG TO GRIFFY!"

Tucker screamed like a little girl and fell onto his back in shock, "WHAT THE -?!"

At the mention of his name, Grif turned around. "Did she just call me Griffy?"

FireHawk cleared her throat and said very unconvincingly, "Noooo..."

Tucker said, grinning, "She totally did!"

FireHawk used her powers to sew Tucker's mouth shut and smirked sadistically. Tucker flicked her off. FireHawk tied Tucker's hands behind his back. Grif watched the scene while eating Oreos.

The teal soldier simply glared at her with narrowed eyes while both Wash and Caboose laughed.

FireHawk, seeing that she was gaining an audience, decided to take it further. She pushed Tucker onto the ground and moved Grif so that he was sitting on Tucker while eating Oreos. Of course, being occupied with the cookies, Grif didn't care whatsoever.

Both Wash and Caboose laughed loudly, and Wash pulled out a camera and took pictures.

FireHawk posed next to Grif and Tucker, smiling and giving the camera a double thumbs up. Wash took many pictures while Caboose gave FireHawk a thumbs up too.

FireHawk dragged Caboose into the picture with her as Wash continued to take snapshots. Simmons came over and was about to asked what was going on, but when he saw the scene, Simmons just turned around and walked away. However, he was too late, as FireHawk turned him into a neko and dragged him in the picture as well.

Wash let out a squeal and took many more pictures now that a neko was in the picture. Simmons tried to struggle free of FireHawk, but eventually gave up once he realized that escaping her was impossible.

Once the camera got full, Wash called Donut over, who quickly uploaded it to every site that existed. FireHawk starting petting Simmons, who relaxed a little bit, knowing he wasn't going to get tortured anymore. For now. MWAHAHAHAHA!

"It's on every site!" Donut called out.

FireHawk fist pumped with one hand. Tucker was making muffled sounds for Grif to get off him. Of course, Grif was too busy eating his Oreos to notice.

FireHawk turned to Z and asked, "What now?"

Z shrugged before she suddenly smiled, snapping her fingers. Right away, the canyon turned into a beach, and on one side of the canyon was a large beach with crystal clear water. On the sand lay beach chairs and a small bar was next to the chairs.

FireHawk yelled, "Nice!" With a snap of her fingers, she quickly changed into a black one piece and jumped into the water.

"Why, thank you!" The other authoress bowed before she too snapped her fingers, changing into a black short sleeved water suit. Thinking for a moment, she took a glance at the guys in their armor before she made a swim suit station filled with suits for the guys in there. "You guys can change in there...!" Z leaped into the water, shouting 'YOLO' at the stop of her lungs.

FireHawk had randomly caused a boogie board to appear and rode a wave back onto the shore. When she saw that the guys were going to go change, FireHawk smirked, summoned a camera, and motioned for Z to follow.

Z grinned mischievously and followed FireHawk, wincing at how hot the sand was but then felt better once water shoes were on her feet. She summoned a camera and hopped up and down, eager to cause some trouble.

FireHawk cracked open the door just a little, and after making sure the flash and sound was off, she took a ridiculous amount of pictures that eventually filled up the entire camera.

When the reds and blues emerged from the station, they saw the two crazy authoresses huddled around something.

Caboose, curious as ever, hopped over to them and peeked over their shoulders due to his height, "What do you guys have? Can I see? I wanna see it...!"

FireHawk immediately pulled the camera away from him. "No, you can't look because you aren't insane enough."

Caboose looked offended, "W-what? Why?! How do I become insane?!"

FireHawk shrugged. "I dunno. Just be obnoxiously crazy forever I guess."

By now, Grif had noticed that the two were looking at something.

Caboose's lip quivered and his eyes filled with tears, "But HOW?!"

Z rolled her eyes a little and gave him a little duck floaty, "Just go swim man..." She watched as the blue soldier hopped into the water and chuckled.

Grif, at the moment, was sneaking over quietly and tried to see what they were looking at.

FireHawk spotted him. "HALT! Who goes there in the name of FireHawk?!"

Grif saluted for some reason, "It's Grif..."

FireHawk eyed him suspiciously. She said, "You shall not see whatever the heck we are looking at, for we are very busy. Right, Z?"

Z was, at the moment, building a sand dragon when her name was spoken, and right away, she said, "Yup! What she said." Before she got up to her feet.

FireHawk grinned and nodded. As soon as Grif was out of earshot, FireHawk called, "Back to looking at pictures!" Z giggled and looked at the pictures too.

FireHawk was about to suggest getting them developed, but noticed everyone having fun in the water and decided to join them. FireHawk equipped herself with goggles and ducked under the water, swimming towards Grif, whose back was turned towards her entirely. Once within range, FireHawk leapt out of the water and grabbed Grif, wrapping her arms around his neck and dragging him into the water.

Grif let out a scream before he was forced underwater. Everyone else laughed.

FireHawk used her powers to create a big wave and didn't bring Grif back up to the surface until everyone else fled.

When everyone else ran out of the water, screaming their heads off, it was then that FireHawk allowed Grif to come back up.

FireHawk teleported to the shore once Grif resurfaced and watched the chaos begin.

Grif was about to start cursing at FireHawk with venomous anger when he noticed her on shore. He was confused for a moment when he suddenly saw a large shadow block the sun's light. With an eyebrow raised, he turned around and screamed just before a large wave crashed into his body.

FireHawk burst out laughing as Z took pictures nonstop, just as she had been as the wave was coming towards Grif. She had taken so many pictures, you could literally make a movie out of them.  
Grif eventually washed up on the beach to be met with a laughing FireHawk, a paparazzi Z, and everyone else cracking up almost as much as FireHawk.

Grif glared at everyone after a small coughing fit was over and exclaimed that everyone was full of BS before he stormed away.

FireHawk was at first depressed about losing her primary torture object, but upon seeing Simmons, who was still a neko, she hid an evil smirk. Really well. The last part was sarcastic.

Z knew what FireHawk was thinking, so she turned the camera to both her and Simmons, giving a thumbs up so she knew that it was recording.

Simmons was completely unaware of what FireHawk was doing until she summoned a snake and put it down his swimsuit.

Simmons screamed like a young, little, high pitched girl as he jumped up, running as if his life depended on that. Everyone laughed until Simmons tore off the trunks and jumped into the water. Z then turned the camera off for a moment.

FireHawk laughed and said, "I'll remember that in my sleep! Just because that was the most hilarious thing ever!"

Wash added, "Of all time!"

Z shuddered, "Oh god, I'm scarred..."

Caboose was looking around with a confused expression on his face while Tucker was laughing his head off and was rolling on the floor.

FireHawk followed Simmons into the water and tackled him under the waves.

Simmons screamed, both because the snake was able to swim and because FireHawk had dunked him under the water. Z once again began taking pictures, this time with a water proof camera that had double the space for even more room to capture the craziness.

FireHawk finally let Simmons up for air, making the neko think he'd gotten away. NOPE!

The maroon neko soldier got a lungful of air before he started to swim away.

FireHawk put a starfish she had found on Simmons' back and watched him suffer. Simmons shuddered and tried to reach for the star fish, but it was in that unreachable spot on your back where no matter how hard you try to scratch or to touch it, you never can, "GAH! GET IT OFF!"

FireHawk laughed even more and took some pictures to spam all over the internet.

"SERIOUSLY, GET. IT. OFF!" Simmons screamed and his voice cracked.

FireHawk yelled, "No! Keep screaming like a girl!"

"WHY?!"

"BECAUSE IT'S HILARIOUS!"

More pictures and videos were taken before Simmons ran back to shore. FireHawk used her powers to make Simmons' trunks reappear back on him. FireHawk had succeeded (even though she wasn't attempting to) in making them sick of swimming. So they went to a small cabin that was in the middle of the woods for some reason. A Night Fury, Blackblood, lay sprawled in the middle of the floor.

"PUPPY!" Caboose squealed and hopped up and down happily.

Blackblood growled and bared his teeth at Caboose.

Caboose laughed and went in for a hug, "PUPPY! SO CUTE!"

A fireball from Blackblood stopped Caboose in his tracks and FireHawk watched the interesting scene.

The regulation blue soldier froze for a moment and stared at the 'puppy' with wide eyes, "... COOL!"

Blackblood flashed his fangs again, emitting a low growl that could frighten a tiger.

Caboose reached out to pet the fire breathing dog, who continued to growl menacingly.

Blackblood bit down on Caboose's hand and started shaking it, hoping to tear it off.

Caboose simply giggled, "Awww, he likes me!"

FireHawk explained, "Uh no, he's trying to tear your hand off."

"No, he's nibbling my hand!" Caboose giggled, "It tickles...!"

Blackblood eventually gave up "nibbling" and blasted Caboose with an extremely strong fire blast.

Caboose flew back and hit the wall with a loud THUMP! Everyone winced as Caboose got up to his feet shakily before he attempted once again to pet the puppy.

Blackblood leapt to his feet and roared, "DO NOT TOUCH ME, YOU FILTHY IMBECILE!"

Caboose stopped before he continued walking, "The doggy talks...!"

"I AM NOT A DOG! I AM A DRAGON! AND HOW DARE YOU DISGRACE ME LIKE THAT!"

Z sighed before she turned to FireHawk, "Can you calm him down?"

FireHawk said, "Why?"

"But you look like a dog! Like a poodle!" Caboose stated with a pouty face.

Blackblood growled. " Poodles don't have wings!"

Z shrugged, "I don't know... He seems a bit... Tense..."

Caboose stared at Blackblood with curious eyes.

FireHawk waved a hand dismissively,"He'll cool off if Caboose stops."

Blackblood sat back down on the floor, glaring coldly at Caboose.

The blue soldier looked at the dragon, "I used to have a doggy who looked like you... She was a poodle, but she got hit by a kid on a scooter and died..."

Blackblood growled, "For the last time, I'm a DRAGON."

Caboose just continued on, "She had eyes, kinda like yours, and she growled a lot when you poked her a lot... Yeah, you two look alike..."

Blackblood flipped Caboose off before flying up onto the bed in the cabin.

Caboose smiled once again before he sat down at a chair, looking at Blackblood with intense curiosity. Blackblood's yellow eyes locked onto Grif, wondering if the orange soldier would try to mess with him as well.

Grif held his hands up to show that he wasn't going to do anything to get the killer dragon angry.

Blackblood turned to Simmons, still unaware of the dragon's gaze. Unfortunately for the neko, because of his ears and tail, Blackblood perceived him as food and began creeping up on the maroon soldier.

Wash had been talking to Sarge when he noticed the dragon creeping up on Simmons. Quickly, the ex-Freelancer grabbed his gun and pointed it at the dragon, refusing to let any cat-like creature get hurt.

Blackblood didn't spot the gun, and continued to creep up on Simmons.

Wash cleared his throat and put his finger on the trigger, ready to shoot the dragon despite the fact that it was helping FireHawk.

Blackblood turned to Wash and smirked. "You can't shoot me. I have powers like FireHawk."

The grey and yellow soldier smirked also, "And you can't harm me. I have Freelancer Powers, unlike anyone here."

Blackblood's smirk remained where it was. "Guess again, Washington." With a blast of fire, a big soldier in white armor carrying a brute shot was summoned. "Sick 'em, Meta."

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**Blackblood and my self insert are the only things that belong to me! **

**~TheAlmightyFireHawk**


End file.
